I can’t tell you how many times I’ve started to write a post about this summer. It’s been full of some incredible highs and crazy lows. But I guess when you’re on a roller coaster, the best thing to do is hold on and scream like crazy, right?

My foot: I’m still scooting away. I started physical therapy and they have to run some more tests on the nerve. I’m still working in a wheelchair, which has actually turned into a positive thing? I’m getting good at scouting out spots while Marc the intern pushes me around in the chair. Who would have thought?

Of course, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t hard. The toughest thing is that I can’t take care of Little T like I used to. I can’t pick him up and carry him, change his diaper (because he’s skilled at running away mid diaper change), and do all of those things that moms just…do. It’s hard when Little T doesn’t automatically run to me when he needs something. That’s been tough on my mommy morale.

But there are good times too. Little T has started to copy me and sit on the couch with an ice pack on his foot. We also travel by scooter now, which he thinks is awesome. And he thinks everything I do is hilarious. I stick a banana on my head? Hilarious! I make a silly noise? Hilarious! I get frustrated because I dropped everything on the floor and give a dramatic shout in exasperation? HILARIOUS!

Little T also got his first haircut! We were going to try to keep it long, but we decided to start over from the beginning and shave it all off. We had about 5 guys standing around giving us advice on how to take better care of Little T’s hair. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall after we left. Heh heh. Little T did well, until he looked at himself in the mirror and saw that half of his hair was gone. Then he lost it and started wailing and crying. He wouldn’t even eat the emergency cookie that we brought with us. When it was done though, he was super happy. His favorite thing to do right now, is go up to people and point to his head and say, “cut!” It must have made a big impression on him.

Ihope you’re all having a wonderful summer!

Someone is sporting a pretty nifty disguise today.

This is how I’m getting around got the summer. Little T is impressed.

Little T is turning out to be such a ham. He’s always being silly and playing cute little games with us.

Examples of said silliness:

• He loves to pretend he’s going to feed us food, and then take it away at the last second and laugh as hard as he can.
• He thinks turning any object into a hat, like a banana, is hilarious.
• Now that I think of it, he thinks any hat in general is pretty friggin hilarious.
• The other day he took his diaper off and threw it across the room, and then darted off naked, laughing the whole time.
• Sometimes he’ll baby babble something to himself, and then starts to chuckle and slap his knee about whatever it was that he said.
• He’s started putting on my clothes or shoes whenever he wants to cheer me up.

He’s such a little goofball.

Let’s be real here, I’m still sad, sad, sad about Angel. It made it worse that my foot was injured because I had to sit at home and be reminded over and over again that she isn’t here anymore. Her ashes came and that made it hard too. Even though it’s been hard, there have been good things.

• Big T got me flowers for Mother’s Day and made me some vegan crepes with bananas and chocolate sauce, and that made me happy.
• Little T came running out of the room giggling with my bra on, and that made me laugh, the little stinker.
• We were told that Little T is doing really well with his hypertonia.
• My foot healed a lot faster than anyone thought it would.
• I’ve met lots of kindred spirits in the past month through photography.
• I have fun shoots coming up that I’m really excited about.

Once my foot started to heal, I took Little T to Disneyland because I just wanted to be out and around other people and not at home. We had to take things slow because of my foot, but we had a great time. Little T even drove Autopia for the first time and clapped at the end. I wish I had happier posts to write about, but I know I’ll eventually get back to feeling like myself again. One day at a time, right?

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has reached out to me on this blog, through facebook, e-mail, phone, and in person to help me get through this past week. I’m so grateful to have all of you in my life. It’s been a hard week, thank you so much for understanding how important my Angel was to me, and recognizing the loss that I’ve felt. I love you guys.

This past Friday, Little T and I visited the Orange County Ronald McDonald House to learn about HP’s E-smile program. The Ronald McDonald House provides comfort and shelter to families who have terminally ill children at a nearby hospital. Families can stay at the home for free (they do ask for a 5$ donation a night, but this is optional), so they don’t have to commute long distances back and forth to be with their children. Through the HP e-smile program, people can send pictures, cards, and letters of encouragement to the families staying at the Ronald McDonald House. For a short time, HP is donating one dollar for every picture or card that goes through.

Here’s the wall of e-smile cards at the OC house. A few of the parents who were staying during our tour said this wall of smiles meant so much to them:

There are several ways to send a picture or a note, and it only takes a minute or two!

1. Download the e-smile app for your phone:
2. Visit the HP Esmile Website and upload a picture or message.
3. E-Mail your photo or message to: RonaldHouseOC@eprintesmiles.com

While I was there, I downloaded the mobile phone app and sent an esmile of Little T smiling for everyone to see. If you want to help volunteer in other ways, they’re always looking for groups to come and cook breakfast, lunch, or dinner for the families that are staying. They especially need volunteers who can cook breakfast. They also need gas card donations for families who have to travel back and forth to the hospital, and new toys to be given to children on their birthdays or the holidays.

What a great way to support parents who are going through a crisis, and it’s such a clever idea of HP. So please, if you have a minute, take a few seconds to send the Orange County Ronald McDonald House a picture or a note. They do great work over there.

My blog was nominated over at Circle of Mom’s for the top ten adoption blogs. If you have a moment, click the link and give me a quick vote. It only takes a second, I promise! You can vote once a day if you like. Thank you so much.

Thanks everyone who voted, but circle of Moms sent me this e-mail this afternoon:

Hello,

After serious consideration, we have decided to cancel our Adoption Blogs by Moms – 2012 contest. Our Top 25 program is meant to celebrate, connect, and support mom bloggers. Following some feedback from participants in our 2011 contest, we decided to make this year’s Top 25 more inclusive. In doing so, we unknowingly stepped into a very sensitive issue and debate, and we apologize to all the moms who have been offended, no matter what your position on adoption is. We’re committed to finding a way to give all parties in the Adoption Triad a voice on Circle of Moms. If we run a Top 25 Adoption Blogs in the future, we’ll consult with mom bloggers in each part of the Adoption Triad on how to create a supportive contest where all bloggers would feel welcome and respected by Circle of Moms and by all participants. We appreciate the time and energy every participant put into this contest during the past week, and we sincerely regret that we can’t reward those efforts in the way we had planned to when we launched the contest. 

We will be closing the contest at 3pm PST today and all blogs will be removed from the contest page.

Sincerely,
The Circle of Moms Team

In sadder news, I’m taking the day off so I can give my full and uninterrupted attention to my cat. Big T is watching Little T, and I’m hanging out in my room and showering her with tuna, catnip, and anything else her kitty heart desires. She is sitting next to my feet right now, my poor baby. I just can’t imagine her not being here anymore. Ugh, this day…it’s awful. Please keep us in your thoughts, it’s been a tough week around here.

This week has been rough. My beautiful cat, who has been my friend throughout my 20’s and into my 30’s, is dying. I was dreading this week because I knew it was time to take her to the vet, and I knew it wasn’t going to be good news and that it was going to lead to lots of awesomely expensive tests. To complicate things, I don’t have a sitter and had to take Little T with me. He made it so hard. He’s usually very good but was having a bad day for some reason. He was crying and fussy and couldn’t sit still. He wanted my iphone but he didn’t want my iphone, and being quiet was the last thing he wanted to do. He was being so loud that the vet had to take Angel into another room to listen to her heart. Isn’t it crazy how parenting can sometimes turn a difficult task into an overwhelmingly impossible one in .03 seconds?

I knew from the vet’s face that it was bad news when he came back in the room. He said Angel had heart failure, and that we had to go to the animal emergency room. I called Big T who was home sick, and asked him to come and help me with Little T. We went to the animal hospital together and they said Angel needed a heart test, so this morning I’m driving two hours out to Carlsbad because that’s where their heart doctor is on Wednesdays. How can we afford this? We can’t. Ugh.

Despite everything, I had to go to a networking event last night. I was able to pull myself together for a few hours until the way home. That’s when I lost it. I mean, mascara running down my face, sobbing-into-the-steering-wheel-lost-it. Ugh.

I know I’m not alone when I say Trayvon’s story has weighed heavily on my heart and my mind. The injustice of it all is breathtaking. Not only that, but those of you that follow this blog know that a few months ago, I saw a person take his life with a gun in less than a second. I can’t even begin to tell you how this has made me feel about guns and Florida’s ridiculous gun laws.

But Little T…

How will I explain to my sweet baby boy, who is especially talented at making everyone in the room stop and smile, that he may be considered suspicious because of the color of his skin? Should I tell him he can’t ever walk alone at night? Should I tell him that hoodies are off limits? Should I tell him if a strange man is following him down the street, he should stop and hang around to see what this strange guy wants? What do I tell my son? Because unfortunately, some people will look at my son and they won’t see the happy, sweet baby boy that makes me smile every day. They’ll only see the color of his skin, and they’ll think he’s a threat.

Big T and I have grown up without having to worry about these things, and we’re not going to pretend we know what it’s like. All I can say, is that my son is my world and I don’t ever want anything like this to happen to him. If it did, my world would stop.

And this. This link breaks my heart. It’s an article in Time Magazine written by Toure, talking about how to explain Trayvon Martin to your black son.

1. It’s unlikely but possible that you could get killed today. Or any day. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth. Black maleness is a potentially fatal condition. I tell you that not to scare you but because knowing that could save your life. There are people who will look at you and see a villain or a criminal or something fearsome. It’s possible they may act on their prejudice and insecurity. Being black could turn an ordinary situation into a life-or-death moment even if you’re doing nothing wrong

Read more: http://ideas.time.com/2012/03/21/how-to-talk-to-young-black-boys-about-trayvon-martin/#ixzz1qfGYn6g

If you haven’t read about Trayvon Martin, you need to. It is a tragedy that deserves attention.