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This Little Blog of Mine

This Little Blog of Mine

Tag Archives: failed adoption

thankful for one of the worst days…

21 Monday Nov 2011

Posted by Momma J in The Family

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

failed adoption

I don’t know why this has been on my mind lately, but it’s probably because everyone has been writing on the blogosphere about what they’re thankful for. It’s probably odd that my mind wanders to our failed adoption when I think about being thankful, but that day had so many different possible endings, and I’m so thankful it ended the way it did.

Imagine our tension, as Big T and I sat in a labor room of a strange town for nine hours with the hostile extended family of a woman who’d asked us to parent her baby. The extended family wanted the mother to go through with an adoption because her current children were in and out of the foster care system. They were worn out from having to pick up the pieces that were broken from addiction. They were hostile because they hadn’t expected the mother to pick a couple of vegans, and voiced that we shouldn’t be allowed to adopt because any child we’d raise would die from a lack of protein. Things got more awkward when the family left the room and the mother began asking us for money, which we absolutely would not give. Big T and I were stuck in there, unable to leave, and had no way to communicate besides sending frantic texts to each other trying to figure out what to do. Do we figure out a way to leave? Or do we wait to make sure the baby is going to be okay? A few minutes before the baby was about to be born, the mother went into a panic because she was nervous that she did, in fact, know who the father was. She said the father was probably her ex who was in jail. She must have read the concern on our face, because she changed her tune and assured us that the guy in prison couldn’t be the father because she’d had six miscarriages from him and was certain he couldn’t get her pregnant. *sigh*

We wound up walking away from the situation, although I doubt the mother would have placed with us if we’d stayed. Her family was really unhappy with our lifestyle. It would have been better if they could have found parents they were more comfortable with or decided to parent themselves. I do wish they hadn’t been so mean to us, but it is what it is. I think the mother wound up deciding to parent and took her baby home. I still don’t know if she was trying to manipulate us the whole time in order to get money to fund her pregnancy. I’ll probably never know. I think about her a lot though, and wonder if she and her children are okay. I hope she was able to get help, find a job, move in with her grandma, ditch the boyfriend, and be a great momma to her family. I don’t know though, addiction is hard to overcome, and after seeing her family interact it didn’t seem like she would have the support she needed.

The day after that awful experience, I sat sobbing on a curb outside of Graceland, with the Heartbreak hotel sign behind me in the distance. We couldn’t get an early flight home and didn’t want to sit in the condo we’d rented with a bunch of unused baby stuff, so we went to Graceland instead. I cried the whole time and was too sad to care about what I must have looked like. While we were in Memphis, my best friend M cleared the baby stuff out of our home in California, and I gave my mother (who’d flown out to meet us) our car seat so we didn’t have to explain to everyone in the airport why it was empty. It sucked. My best friend M had a bag of tortilla chips waiting for me in the car at the airport, because she knew what I needed when I was down.

The whole thing was crazy znd I still can’t make sense of it. My point though, is that I’m so glad it all went down the way it did. If we hadn’t been contacted because of the mother, we’d still be waiting to go through with an international adoption and never would have pursued a domestic adoption. I’d go through that horrible day a million times over again if it meant we’d have Little T at the end. Parenting Little T is simply the best thing that’s ever happened to us. And for Little T, I am grateful. So grateful.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

06 Saturday Aug 2011

Posted by Momma J in The Family, The Travels

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

adoption, failed adoption

One year ago, Big T and I were hiking up to Rainbow Falls in the Eastern Sierra’s. Our trip was intended to help us get through the depression from our failed adoption. We were really struggling and our brains were swirling with unanswered questions. Would we ever be parents? How could we have been so taken advantage of with our first adoption? What was going to happen next? Our agency said we’d been the brunt of the worst adoption experience they’d ever seen, and it was taking it’s toll on us.

We were in need of some healing time, so we went up to the mountains. We’d planned a hike to Devil’s Postpile and Rainbow Falls. I’d never been there before, but I heard it was beautiful. The night before our hike, our social worker called. She said there was a little baby boy who was about to enter foster care, and would we be interested in being his parents? The only thing was that his birth mother wasn’t signed up for Medicaide, and we’d have to pay for her hospital bills. As much as we wanted to say yes, we simply couldn’t afford to do this. It was hard to tell them no, but there wasn’t any way for us to make that happen. Especially after we’d spent most of our savings on our failed adoption.

Before I went to sleep that night, I told Big T that I had a feeling it was all going to work out, and that Little T was meant to be our son. It was the same feeling I’d had when I met Big T, and I knew we were meant to be together. I didn’t know why I felt this way, especially since we’d already closed the book on this adoption and said no to our social worker.

The next day we hiked to Rainbow Falls and amazingly, our cell phone reception came through. When I saw the number of our social worker, I quickly answered the phone. She said the mother had signed up for Medicaide, and everything was taken care of and she just wanted to make sure that Little T was going to be in a good home. She asked if we were still interested in parenting, and with tears in our eyes we said yes! Yes, yes, yes!

During our experience, we often wondered, why us? Why couldn’t we get pregnant? Why did we have such a bad experience with our first adoption? Why did these things happen to us? The answer is simple, if we hadn’t gone through all of those things, we wouldn’t have Little T. He is the best thing that has ever happened to us. It’s hard when you’re going through a bad run to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but now we have the honor of seeing it every day. Every time Little T smiles at us, laughs with us, cuddles with us, plays with us. I’d go through everything ten times over, if it meant we’d have Little T by our side.

To celebrate our hike to Rainbow Falls, we did the hike again for Little T’s first birthday. This time we brought more family and birthday cake, and we had Little T with us.

And yes, we all cried.

Little T's Birthday Hike

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